zondag 21 augustus 2011

Finland and Greece: A better deal

This week Finland was headline news around Europe because of the additional negotiations regarding their multi billion Euro participation in the Greece bailout deal.

Now obviously the Finns have shown a damn lot more financial intelligence than the rest of the European governments combined by actually demanding collateral before dumping their money into a bottomless pit like the Greek economy. The way they went about it was not the smartest though.

Now obviously Greece is a country full of law abiding, hard working people, who are among the most honest in the world, have a culture that despises corruption and deceit and are totally not to blame for their financial misery. They just have a small temporary cash flow problem that needs to be resolved with a loan.

But lending out money and then asking for almost the same amount in collateral in a frozen bank account doesn’t really solve their problem, now does it? And on top of that, even when Finland does get this collateral deal, all the other European countries will want the same and we will all be back to square one.

What Finland should have done is demand the islands of Santorini and Mykonos as collateral. When Greece eventually files for bankruptcy these islands will then automatically become part of Finland’s territory. And until that time all Finnish residents should be made be eligible for 75% discounts on hotel rooms, apartments, restaurants and car rentals plus free beach chairs. Furthermore Greek males are no longer allowed to harass Finnish female visitors anywhere on the island at any time. Oh and all Finnish residents get unlimited free access to Cavo Paradiso of course.

Voila: a much better deal and Finnish tax payers’ money put to good use. And since Greece is hip deep in islands this deal is easily replicated towards other EU countries as well, so there will be no opposition like there is against the current plan. Just part out the rest of the country in collateral to all the other bailout fund participants, and when in the end of the day Greece eventually does go bankrupt the entire problem is solved automatically. Greece will simply no longer exist and the rest of Europe will have their own little vacation paradises. Bought and paid for.

zaterdag 23 april 2011

Tooth fairy

I'm the tooth fairy
I came for your teeth

- I heard that I get to keep them, from my lawyer

Well, my lawyer told me to come down here because
I'm the tooth fairy and I take your teeth okay?

- Okay well how 'bout, ehm...

Look, just gimme your damn teeth okay?
And then I'll go, okay?

- I can't, neh I'm not gonna do it

Gimme your damn teeth, that's it
I'm gonna take your teeth and them I'm gonna go
And ehm, you'll hear from my lawyer tomorrow otherwise
And ehm, I don't think you wanna meet my lawyer

- I think you don't wanna meet my lawyer

I think you don't wanna meet MY lawyer

- I think you're a cheap ho

maandag 14 maart 2011

Armin clothing line surprises customers

People from around the globe are reporting various unexpected side effects from wearing products out of Armin van Buuren’s new clothing and shoes line.

The main concern appears to be connected to the upper torso products like jackets and shirts. Early customers say that that wearing these products make them extend their arms horizontally and getting stuck in that position. Jochim Struss, a 21 year old taxi driver from Hamburg Germany, reported that ever since he started wearing his new Armin jacket he has not been able to get his arms down, which is causing him some serious challenges in performing his job. "I can leave the driver window of my car open to stick my left arm out and I can steer with my knees, so that is not the biggest problem. But passengers in the right front seat are not very comfortable with my right arm being right in front of them. A female passenger even accused me of trying to touch her private parts and got out of my cab before we even drove off! I’m afraid I’m gonna lose some income over this, but I don’t wanna let go of my precious Armin jacket. He’s the number one you know, and I read on the interweb that he said himself that these clothes fit with his way of life and that he can really identify himself with them. So I just have to have them.”

2 Year old Juan del Peseta from Rio del Plaja reports a similar problem with his stylish new Armin polo shirts. “I tend to sweat a lot, so I bought seven polo shirts so I can change them during the day and stay fresh. But I haven’t been able to wear more than one because as soon as I put it on my arms have extended which has basically made it impossible to take it off. As such I don’t mind, you know because it’s Armin’s stuff and he said that he can really identify with it, but after a few days the armpits have gotten really smelly. I really can’t go into my shower anymore because it’s not wide enough so I think I’m just gonna go to the beach and walk into the water with it. I’m sure the girls on the beach are gonna go crazy over me because I wear such a cool Armin product.” When asked if he was going to return the other 6 shirts Juan replied he wasn’t. “I’m just gonna keep wearing this one till it wears out and then have someone cut it off me and start wearing the next one. It’s gonna be a great summer!”

ot only the shirts and jackets seem to be causing unexpected side effects, wearing the Armin shoes reportedly causes the owner to jump up and down uncontrollably at random moments. Sandy Ploofings, a brain surgeon from New Zealand, reports considering a career change. “I absolutely love my Armin shoes. I mean especially since he said that he really can identify with them and stuff. Plus they are really comfortable and supportive, but yeah they do make me jump up and down at them most unexpected moments. First time it happened was when I was in the supermarket waiting in the cashiers line. People thought I was being impatient, but I just couldn’t help myself. The bad thing though is that this also happens randomly when I’m performing surgery and that obviously is not very practical. I guess I’m gonna have to give up my career and do something else, because Armin means everything to me and not being able to wear his shoes would just make me miserable.”

Upcoming DJ Cheese Frankfurt from the Netherlands is one of the few customers who is actually really pleased with the side effects of the new Armin shoes. Frankfurt: “A few years ago I bought a set of Ti
ësto sneakers, because I was convinced they would make me a better DJ and help me progress my international career. But I have still never played outside my home town of Lutjebroek and even there people are not exactly showing up in big numbers for my sets. Now with these Armin shoes I feel I can be just as successful as Armin because they make jumping up and down on stage a lot easier. I finally understand why it never worked out with my Tiësto shoes. They must have been broken from the start.”

A spokesperson of Quick Sports International was rather surprised by all the mayhem their new products seems to be causing. “These clothes were designed in close collaboration with Armin himself. He really wanted them to fit his way of life and be able to identify himself with them. In fact Armin himself was used as a model for the initial design patterns. So I don’t find it very surprising that our designers tried to incorporate some of his trademark moves into the line. As a matter of fact, we are currently planning a line of Armin branded headphones that are made of extremely light fibers, so they are easy on the shoulders while they force you to hold them up in the air constantly.” When asked if people are allowed to return the articles for a refund if they become too annoyed by the side effects he answered: “We will consider that, if they haven’t sweated too much in them.”